We interrupt BEDA and KPOP Month to bring you this breaking news:
Female. Mexican. Twenty. Last seen in New York. Other details unknown.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
Where's the artsy kid who liked taking photos of herself?
Now I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror.
Why don't I listen to music with meaning anymore? The type of songs that made me scribble the lyrics in the margins of every paper, dreaming of the day I could write something as beautiful as those.
(Now I listen to music that I literally can't understand, but I'm not complaining).
I just miss the music I used to listen to. Beautiful, poetic, not "mainstream", comforting. I miss Louie's music in the car. I miss driving in a car for crying out loud.
Earlier this week I kept complaining about it being so cold in NY that I still have to wear my big coat and it's April! I'm so sick of it.
Every time I see photos of El Paso in the spring I feel a little pull in my heart, longing. I just want to wear my fucking shorts and sandals already! I never noticed the beauty of the desert in spring until now.
I haven't written poetry in two years.
I wrote my first poem a couple weeks ago and felt so happy, proud of myself - for a moment I almost felt like everything was alright again - but I know I can do better.
I just don't have the time.
It's true what they say, about New York being fast-paced.
I can't find myself because I don't have time.
Every week I struggle to keep my head above water to prove that I can survive here, to prove that I made it. To prove that the struggle was worth it.
I'm working twice as hard to make up for lost time. Two years worth.
18 credits, 300 hour internship, 1 RA class, writer for the school paper.
I need to
catch up to
prove that I can hack it here.
Sometimes I wish I could just scream in people's faces who never go to class or do their homework "If you don't want to be here then leave! Give your scholarships to the people who actually want to be here!" I do
want to be here. I just don't want to be alone.
And sure, on a professional and academic level, this is great and everything I wanted.
But it's lonely here. So fucking lonely.
I feel like an outcast, like I don't belong here. People just don't understand.
I guess I just haven't found that group I belong to yet. I need to find friends my own age. I never realized how much a difference two years makes, but it's pretty fucking significant sometimes.
Oh well. I've gotten used to the feeling of being alone. Alone on the bus, on the streets, in class, especially on the weekends, sometimes even in group settings. I almost prefer the solidarity. Almost.
Yeah I made it to New York but I lost myself on the way here. I guess jet lag does that to you.
I just want to feel normal again. Whole.
I'm tired of getting corrected for how I speak, I'm from fucking Texas okay, we say things differently so STFU! These fucking New Yorkers I swear, if something isn't done the way they do/say it, it's wrong.
I miss speaking Spanish. And I can't speak it here because then I get bullshit Dora the Explorer responses that drive me crazy.
I just hate not knowing if I have an audience. I feel like I'm talking to no one all the time. In class, online, in person. I want a rich, stimulating conversation, discussions where I know I"ll be heard instead of talked at.
I want to be reunited, restored, reborn.
I want to belong.
I want to be in a place where the name abbyelectric means something; where I could quote musical lyrics and someone would instantly sing along with me, I want to be able to sing out loud and not be looked at weird for it.
New York is supposed to be inspirational and yet I feel completely lost, bland, uninspired. They say all the artsy kids are here, well point me in the right direction, because I can't seem to find them.
El Paso is the place full of artsy kids, indie kids, hipsters, whatever you want to call them, because I finally realize that El Paso is beautiful, artistic, full of culture - inspirational.
If there's one thing my English cultural project has done for me, it's made me appreciate my culture, where I come from. I knew I'd be homesick, but I figured it'd be that I missed my family; I never imagined I'd miss the actual place.
Where is that girl who would've written this more poetically? Where is she, that girl who's favorite band was some small indie band Mates of State (they're still my favorite band!) and not some girl pop group? (I still love SNSD!) Will I ever find my niche of eclectic kids ever again? I want to write poetry again, good poetry, but can I? Will I ever get to scrapbook again?
Why am I even saving these momentos?
Maybe I'm just stuck in the past.I just want to feel whole again.